My professor in Orthopaedics used to ask the reason of me doing medicine. My answer was the good-samaritan-wannabe "i wanna help ppl". In fact, there were other countless times when ppl actually asked me the same question. the answer remains the same. That was also the quest asked to me during my first interview, before i was accepted to the Med School. and it was also the same. its true, that there are other ways where i can at least contribute something or make a difference in ppl's life. i can be a teacher, for instance, and instill knowledge, brings out each and every pupils that i have to their utmost potential. maybe they will become CEO'S, nuclear scientists, genetic engineers or other specialists in fields never explored before. But, i cant. i lack the qualities for the making of a good teacher.i cant sit serenely and repeat the same thing again and again to my students each year, day in day out. i dont have the patience to correct piles of books and exam papers. i dont have the heart to punish when they go wrong, coz i am sometimes too soft.(though i dont look so exteriorly). still, i have to admit that my teachers are the ppl who are responsible for what i am now. they are noble ppl. and for me, all professions are noble when u adhere to the ethics and code of conduct. then, i always believe that i am born to treat, if not to heal. when i was young, i look up to the profession becoz of spotless white coat and the stetoscope the drs wear hanging around the neck. now, i look up at the profession from a new spectrum altogether. 4 years being an amateur in this field has actually broaden my vision tremendously. i am no more a wide eyed teenager, anxious of passing the exam for a mere prefix in front of my name. what i want is to contribute my energy, my knowledge and my life for the human population. Maybe i dream big. i write even bigger. but, i will get what needs to be done, done. someday. I promise myself that. so for a start, maybe i will join THIS. Their work really inspire me. Their dedication and sacrifice amaze me. I wanna be one of them, soon. Insya allah.:).

i'm back from clinic. saw one Down syndrome child in the ward with asthma today. I just realized that these children are CUTE. the one that i clerked today is. he was so funny and smart, for his condition. he actually picked up my torch and ask me to open my mouth, imitating what the specialist has been doing to him. and all his antics, was entertaining. dont get me wrong,dear ppl, i am not eyeing him as a mere object of amusement. somehow, i just found him cute, and smart and cant help from liking this boy. maybe, its his condition that really catch my attention, and maybe to some extent, sympathy. but anyways, its not very like me to like sick children. well, u see, i am not much of a mother. so i never like paediatrics. gimme anytime sulking demented geriatrics, but i just cant stand a sick, wailing child. has too little patience for them. ok, ok, i know i call for some critism here. but thats what i am,ok. we'll see if time can change my preference later. but until today, i still firm of becoming a geriatrician. tonite, i'll be back in KT. just wanna see my granma. she's improving it seem. and i am happy for that matter. i just love her so much. she's my shoulder to cry on. and it just break my heart if anything bad to happen to her. i dont even wanna give it a thought. nauzubillah. she will live a long more peaceful life, many2 more years. until i and my siss get married, settled down and have kids, and live happily ever after. she will see all of these. its my prayer. insya allah. I LOVE U CIK.with all my heart. another thing, i think our MOTHER EARTH is not feeling well this few days. last weeks, we had FLOOD in the East coast, last weekend a TSUNAMI following earthquake, now it's here

hi, i'm back. well, i am done with the papers. YAY. and today mum dad and sis coming down to see me, double YAY. i have no idea whether they are gonna be only here in MELAKA or will be dragging me off to KL once they enter the driveway. but both ways also, i will be delighted. well, expecting good food ^wink^ , endless shopping ^wink^ and maybe one nice trip to the zoo. not kidding, i'm serious. for my sis's sake. she's a real animalist. her past ambitions revolved around becoming a vet, an architect or a doctor. but, i seriously suspecting she's becoming one empathic vet soon. that was her childhood dream, before dad actually hushed the idea off. apparently, dad wants another doctor daughter in the family. me? i would be glad if she stays away from the profession, though. only i know the hardship of med school. but then, it worth the efforts. and if she feels to follow my imprints, she;s free to do so, but obviously with stern guidelines from me. but i still see her as an enthusiastic vet with cuddly kittens and cows and horses and ecetra2. (maybe piglets and puppies too, hehe the drawbacks). she has to choose, when the time comes, as i have chosen. and chose well, i hope. i keep my fingers crossed.

my ex just IMed me..ok,ok i know it is of no big deal to most ppl. but, i just got infuriated whenever he tried to butt in or make his presence felt again. purlleeeze...i dont need to be serabut again after all this while being left alone (read: u jilted me remember!)and starting to savour the peacefullness that follow suit. hey,man, get a life! dont try to remind me of the days when i was foolish and naive enuf to allow myself to be degraded into such extent. u can't mess with me anymore, as i am a new woman altogether with more integrity than i ever had . just clear orff...i dont have anything to do with u. u are a history. and not something which is worth to be mentioned either. and dont try to act such goody2, asking me to send regards to dear ppl of my life. u can never be part of them again, so just back of! go back to where u belong - our life is at two different spectrum. u and i are different. and i am glad, for once that we are. i have always cast a curse on u. and u shall taste the fruits of whatever thingy u are working on. i wish u are well, and good day to u. ( yeah, i know i can become a b1T*h at times, yeah2 tq)

today's paper was horrendous. from quest no 2, i was practically fumbling with my tudung until it become so senget. and i look like one zombie terlepas from hospital bahagia with such appearance( i found it later after going to the hall bathroom)which rendered me horrified. but who to blame with such a quote unquote user frenly paper. enuf of my vanity. i was actually trying to collect the faintest memory of everything they taught us in class. whatthehell, man! u actually taught the whole bundle of neurosurgery, but just asked me one little question that carries 5 marks, and that only is about ventriculo-peritoneal shunt that has only pictures in my notes...wa wa wa....sob sob...thank god i didn't finish the neuro portion. this is what shoby said the other day, nota pun macam muka dia...hehe... abit mean, there gal, but i cant help from aggreeing with u more now....but alas, i am finished with my surgery, and i have to announce that it is very true now that my beloved professors in surgery really has butchered any love i had for that subject. on a lighter note, its my pleasure to announce that our MISS WANDA and MISS MAYA has legally graduated today, and henceforth will be prefixed as DR WANDA and DR MAYA. two thumbs up for u gals! congrats congrats!! more success in ur future undertakings. u really deserved this, rejoice! and for elle, be strong. its only fate doesn't aggree with u this time. but, somehow, i know u are good. just keep trying, ok? dont give up. and my prayers will always be with u. i believe, god has some grand plans for u. SMILE, HONEY, SMILE. keep ur chin up! i believe in u and me! I LOVE U SIS. OK, i better get going. start panaskan enjin for my ORTHOPAEDICS tomorrow. i just hope my tulangs wont disappoint me tonite. yesterday, they did, ok. just cant sit straight without a little backache. i'm wishing for some nice massages now. WINK WINK : 4LI, i think maybe i need ur remarkable service sometimes this near future :P (just joking ok, dont take this seriously to hear,ppl!) okeh for now. till then,peeps!

i am back. finally. i am exhausted, no doubt about that. my eyes has got this weird sensation, like its gonna popped out of the socket any secs. and my back is literally killing me. dull ache type of pain that made me feel old, again. thank god, my sanity level is still satisfactory,and you can safely be assured that i will still function as myself by the end of the week. on the other hand, i am a feeling abit feverish. its just the exam, maybe. still, its kind of alarming, since everyone around me is getting the fever with rash, or fever with cough, or cough alone. Elia just admitted today after days of coughing and fever, she got pneumonia. pity her, hope she will recover soon. shida never stops coughing since past 3 weeks(or is it more?), i think she should get a chest x-ray like ain did. well, at least if it turns out normal, she can breathes easily again knowing its due to some other causes- not the dreaded TB or pneumonia. shamimah also not in the pink of health today. she look tired and she do sound tired. i think, maybe its the exam again, or can it be a community acquired pneumonia plaguing the our basement? hopefully, not. ok, i am supposed to be studying now. tomorrow will be surgery. WAS my fav paper, until the YOUKNOWWHO prof. came this sem for my clinics, and barked everyday, ruining any love that i had left for the subject. still, old passion sometimes can never die. like the first love, the first kiss. and whatever first thing that u come across. at least, the memory didn't. well, looks like i am navigating away from the main topic. so i guess i better be off for now. daa...! p/s : pray for my answering the paper ok2...:)

i have found inspirations. THIS and THIS made me feel much better now. at least, i know, that i am merely begun. and this ppl, has actually experienced the real life of a medical officer. i shall keep my chin up, and strive for betterment. i will make a GOOD and SAFE doctor. insya allah. :)